The Parts You Hid to Be Loved

Episode Summary

Key Takeaways

Episode Links

Transcript

Milena (00:59): Hello everyone, and welcome to episode three of the Venusian Womb podcast. So for this episode, we are going to be navigating some murky waters, some territory that most of us usually will avoid, repress, or just altogether pretend that it does not exist. And that is the exploration of the shadow. So, to give you a little bit of a rundown of how this episode is going to go, we're going to start with introducing the shadow.

Talk a little bit about how shame is woven very deeply within the shadow, and also how relationally the shadow shows up when we are in connection with others. We're going to discuss the process of going from shadow to soul. So this constriction to being able to start opening ourselves up and expanding and integrating the shadow in our daily lives.

And then from there, we're going to talk a little bit about some application of the shadow. How can we, once we've identified our shadow, how can we start to apply it and integrate it and really truly start embodying the gifts that are in the shadow because truly there are some beautiful gifts and light in there. just got to, we just got to get in there and really, really start opening ourselves up to it. So before we get into this episode, I'm going to have Megan drop us into our body so we can soften and start to open up to this territory.

Meaghan (02:15): I'm actually going to do it a little bit differently today because of this theme of the shadow, I don't want to change our states. I don't want to relax us or I want us to stick with the sensations that are coming up just as we're speaking of the shadow. Mostly because yeah, I don't want to change our states. That's really not my I want to do right now. I want us to be able to stick with the icky feelings and the resistance and all of it and be here and not be like, okay, we're going to move to something different.

So I'm not even gonna invite people to close their eyes. I want you to just notice as Milena was just speaking the word shadow.

And knowing that this you might have some knowledge about this, you might have none. You might just have a lingering sensation in the body of the shadow, the shadows dark, it's what does the shadow mean or having your own idea of what the shadow is. And just feeling where in your body that's evoking some sensations. I'm noticing my throat, I'm feeling the need to clear. Like there's already a heaviness and a lump there.

I'm feeling the jitters in my fingers, the hollow in my stomach. And I just want you to note and like body map the cues in your own body of what's present right here right now, knowing that you're about to listen to an episode on the shadow and where their shadow their shame.

And just taking some deep breaths here. Anywhere you're feeling any tightness, restriction, tension, heaviness, ickiness, and just creating space for it to be here because it is welcome. It is telling us something about the shadow and we don't want to just push it away. We're not trying to clear it. We're here to meet it.

Excellent. So before we start talking more about the shadow, I want to speak to how difficult it has been for Milena and I to record this damn episode. If there's something we do want to express to all of you is after journeying and hosting facilitating women's circles for the past two years, we have

We journey with energy, whatever theme we choose that we're going to journey with in a circle, a podcast episode, because it is something we are moving through internally, it is also showing up externally. So the past two, three weeks, I would say, as we've been trying to record this episode, the first ones where we were banging them out every like every two days, they were just flowing. But the shadow has proven to be heavy.

Milena (05:21): Butter.

Meaghan (05:29): It has proven to uncover a lot of things in both of our subconsciouses that we were not looking at before three weeks ago. And it makes it really hard to come and speak about something when we're also facing we're in we're in like the mud of it, the yuck like the murky waters Milena was talking about. So we've been in the murky waters, we're still in the murky waters, but I think we're both more integrated in it and ready to speak on the shadow and be a little bit vulnerable about what we've been moving through personally as this theme has been quite present for both of us. I don't know if you have something you want to add to that.

Milena (06:07): Honestly, thank you. just want to say that it's so interesting to be able to, like you said, journey through this energy and in journeying through it, it's really just setting the intention of exploring this in our lives. Like in our day, it's like, ⁓ okay, this is the energy that I'm connecting to, setting that intention. Sometimes there's been moments where I've been like actively journeying through my shadow because of externally the things that are happening in my if you know someone triggers me or I'm finally at this place where I'm ready to take a next step forward with shadow exploration that may require a change in me and in these external things happening it also is drawing us into reflection and drawing us into sitting with the shadow because absolutely I would not be actively journeying with the shadow for two weeks straight however life happens

Meaghan (07:03): Mm-mm.

Milena (07:05): Life happens and it does require us to sit with these parts, especially when they're feeling activated. And so just to give a little bit of context of how exactly we journey through this energy and this is also something that, you know, following this episode you can do and set the intention, even if it's just for today or just for 10 minutes after this, to see what is activated within yourself and just give it some time to be with it without needing to fix it, without making it wrong.

Just allowing yourself to have radical honesty and compassion to be able to see it with non-judgmental eyes. And I think it's time for us to introduce it. Do you want to take us off, Meaghan?

Meaghan (07:46): Are we going to define the shadow? Absolutely. So we'll start by defining what is the shadow? What is this big thing that we're talking about in this episode that we've given a huge introduction to. So the shadow is a term coined by the psychologist Carl Jung, and essentially is what it is, is the parts of ourselves that we've hidden, that we've deemed unworthy of love, that we've shoved into our unconscious, we've exiled, we've shamed.

Milena (07:57): Doom and gloom.

Meaghan (08:14): Either we genuinely do not know even exist, that we're not even aware that these are parts of ourselves, or we're aware but we're so ashamed and we will hide them. We will do everything in our power to make sure that nobody around us sees, notices, or even knows they exist. But the problem with this is that these are still parts of us. These are really, really actually important parts of us. There's a huge paradox here that the parts that we put in our shadow are the parts that need to be witnessed the most. And that is what the shadow is. It's these parts that are, you think of that iceberg analogy of like, you have your consciousness and your subconscious on the bottom, the shadow is everything underneath the eyes line. We don't see it. We're not aware of it. And that's the shadow. It's the, all those pieces go.

Milena (09:08): I do want to say it's, it's in the subconscious, but there are certain situations, like I said, where it will activate a part of you. And sometimes you don't even know what the activation is. Like there is kind of this murkiness of like, okay, I'm feeling triggered. This is the thing that triggered it.

Meaghan (09:18): Yes.

Milena (09:31): But now from there, it's kind of starting to actually have discernment with self and like this is where the sitting with without needing to fix your change comes in of just being able to understand just with loving curiosity, there is an openness that is required to witness yourself, to even understand what exactly is being activated within you.

Meaghan (09:42): Mm-hmm.

Milena (09:55): And it can be confusing sometimes. Sometimes you're activated and you don't know. You don't know. You just know that it may be related to this, so whatever this is, but it really is something that once there is some awareness, right, the shadow is what's in the dark. The dark is the absence of light.

So when we're activated, there's almost like this little speckle of light that starts to shine within us. And it might just be a little pinhole of light, but it's light. There's light there. It's already kind of been dropped into our awareness. And this is where the shadow integration in terms of this exploring comes in, where it's like now at least there is a part of us pinpointed in our consciousness that knows that it's there.

And as you continue to just get curious, you know, there might be another follow-up experience that may trigger a similar part because now your consciousness is much more focused on it. It knows that it's there now. And then that clarity starts to, it starts to form a bit more. And this is where we're able to have a lot more discernment as we're exploring this territory of like understanding what it is that is there.

And I do have this analogy, which I feel like is so incredibly helpful, is when we're in the shadow, you know, these parts of ourselves that we've never accepted or just even claimed or seen, it kind of is like this knot. It's like a knot. And there's all these things in the darkness of this knot. You we can't see it. Sometimes we don't know why it's there. We don't know what parts of us are being triggered or where it came from. Not that that really matters. We'll talk about

Meaghan (11:39): You.

Milena (11:40): But it's a knot, it's a knot and it's just like, what is this? I just know I'm uncomfortable and I know that this is something that I don't know about myself. And it's helpful because once we start shining light onto this knot, we can start to see, where do these layers of shadow overlap? And it's so helpful to be able to have support.

Meaghan (11:42): Ahem.

Milena (12:02): To have our own support and witnessing and not judging ourselves and holding loving space for ourselves as much as we can, you know, because we are human, we are flawed. It's just the beauty of this human experience. So let's normalize that. We all have a shadow. But it's like once and even just having support from others, we're able to start to like untangle this knot and we can see all the different layers that are here.

And it doesn't feel like this big, scary, dark cloud over our heads. It starts to feel like something that we can see the individual layers. We can start to understand where the shadow really was first hidden. from there start to, going from this like murky cloud of just confusion and discomfort of like, ⁓ it's too much, I don't even want to see any of it, to starting to then uncover the different layers of it.

And I feel like that analogy is so helpful because it's like from this knot to then being able to like discern what it is and having someone help you untangle that knot so you can actually see it because sometimes yourself, you know, you can't, it's hard to untangle the knot. And this is where we will talk about this. And I feel like this kind of brings us into this whole theme of shame with the shadow because this is where we need to be witnessed. This is where we kind of need support because other people can shine light on these parts of ourselves as well. Even if they don't know your lived experience to that degree, they know you. And so it's helpful to have that, to have a mirror in this process of shadow exploration as well.

Meaghan (13:42): There's so much there was so much juice there and golden nuggets and like I'm like, I could go on a tangent here and a tangent there and a tangent there. There's like three things that really stood out to me. There was one thing you when you first started talking that the shadow is not something to be fixed. And I want to be so crystal clear on that. The shadow is just some it's uncovering more parts of yourself to come more into your wholeness. And it's not a part of you that needs to be fixed and I just want I wanna like everyone to just take a breath that your shadow does not need to be fixed.

It just needs to be seen. It just needs to be untangled and witnessed. And the light just needs to be shined on it because then once the light is there, it can't go back to the shadow. You can't really pretend it's not there anymore. But shaming yourself and making it feel like it's something wrong and bad and unworthy. There's like this need to fix, like, need to fix myself. And I think our her. Our capitalistic culture really, really loves this about us. It itself, it loves the shadow, it feeds on the shadow. And I really want us all to just take in for a moment that our shadow does not need to be fixed. It just needs to be witnessed as Milena said with as much love and understanding and compassion as possible. So that was the first thing I wanted to piggyback on from

Milena (14:56): Let me sell you all these things to fix yourself, to fix your shadow.

Meaghan (15:21): And the second, I want to, I don't remember what she said, but there was something I do want to, I want to give a little bit of a share of how the shadow can show up before we dive into shame. Well, this kind of ties into shame because I guess there's shame here. There's always shame when we're talking about the shadow, but not noticing these things that we do. And I'm going to give a little bit of a personal story that has come through through the shadow work.

So what I've recently learned that I've actually just integrated probably yesterday, I shut down when I'm in shame, when I'm in my shadow, I isolate and pull away from the world, from social media, from everything. And in my mind, I think I'm talking, I think I'm sharing, but it has been clearly brought to my attention by both Milena and my partner who had little interventions. They don't talk to each other, but they both did it very simultaneously and lovingly said, Hey, Meaghan, ⁓ start talking.

Milena (16:31): You have a wall that has no door, no windows. Like I can't even look in, like completely, completely closed off in every sense of the word.

Meaghan (16:42): Yep. And I've noticed that when I come acquainted with a part of my shadow, that's what I do. That is my first reaction to, my God, I'm not lovable. I need to hide from the world because I'm trying to, I haven't accepted this part yet. I'm facing it. I'm seeing it. But my first reaction when I meet the shadow or a part of my shadow that I've never met before is shut down. I put up walls so high, like Milena said, no one's getting in. I'm not even getting out.

Unless somebody like bulldozes their ways in. I can't even get out, which gets very scary because I don't even realize I've put these walls up. And it takes a lot for me to, and then I usually get to a point in my shadow where I'm spiraling so much and I've gotten to this point where these walls are so high and I'm so deep in that victim of like, poor me, poor me. Nobody knows that that's what's going on in my head, but that's what's going on in my head.

Milena (17:13): The thing. You're not getting out which is the important part to say.

Meaghan (17:39): And when I realize, my God, I don't want to be here anymore. And I have love that comes in that light that pierces through somehow, somehow it finds its way in. Then I'm able to take a deep breath in it. I'm able to be like, shit, I'm in shame. shit, I'm really deep in my shadow. And thank God that something was able to pierce its way in because then the minute that little beam of light comes through, more is able to make its way in.

And that is something that has been very real and new that I've uncovered as we've been journeying with the shadow this time around. And I also want to speak to exactly what pieces like we kind of talked about what the shadow is by defining it, but your shadow can be thoughts. It could be past experiences. It could be suppressed emotions. It could be just these triggers. It's there's so many things that the shadow can be.

Milena (18:31): Triggers.

Meaghan (18:37): And I do want people to see it as like, yes, these parts of ourselves that we're hiding, but also behaviors that we have actions that we do. And we're not we're really trying to give this lens of these are not bad things you're doing. These actually were adaptive strategies that we're going to talk about a little bit more later. But they have protected you in the past, but then they get in the way of you connecting with yourself and then connecting with others.

Milena (19:03): They protect you so much that you've closed yourself off from any type of like just being received, being received by others. And you know, I do want to say, kind of see there's this, it's like I see when you were talking, Megan, about these walls and these protective mechanisms, because the walls are there to protect you. It's there to protect you from being witnessed, because it's like, ⁓ this is way too much for anyone.

Meaghan (19:04): Hahaha. Anything? Mm-hmm.

Milena (19:31): And it's also a way of protecting others because it's like, I'm too much. Like, I'm not in a good state. I don't want to give people this energy. Right. And so it kind of goes both ways as well as when we imagine these walls, it's like there's these walls around us. Yes. And like they may have no doors, no windows, maybe a concrete wall, but the top of it, like the ceiling, that's open. That's open. And if you can have someone that's able to sit with you in it,

Meaghan (19:34): Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Milena (20:01): And probe a little bit. You know, with love, it's like, I love you and this is a safe space and you can bring yourself here. Like sometimes it really just takes that creating a container, creating a safe space with a connection, even if it's just with a friend or even with yourself, just to be able to start to let the light kind of go in through the top. It starts to trickle in, trickle, trickle, trickle in. And then that's when we start to open up.

Meaghan (20:29): Mm-hmm.

Milena (20:30): So we're not in this closed box completely, absolutely not. The top is free, but we really gotta create more of that safety for ourselves and reassurance to be able to let the light in. Yeah. And I do wanna speak a little bit more to this piece on shame. And for anyone that is currently...

Meaghan (20:46): Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Milena (20:58): Understanding even how shame is showing up for you. Brene Brown is an incredible resource to be able to understand a bit more about shame and also within the understanding of shame and how it shows up within ourselves. How can we bring love to our shame? Because the shame is there. The shame is there to make us feel that we are the problem, to make us feel that we are too much, that we are broken.

And it makes us the problem rather than the thing that is triggering us, rather than the lived experience. Because there's a reason that the shadow is there. The shadow is ultimately a protective mechanism that we've created in our lives with the intention of keeping us safe. And so when we're able to have more compassion for that part of ourselves, we're able to see that there is no right and wrong.

Meaghan (21:29): Yeah.

Milena (21:54): It's the shadow itself, innately, is not wrong. It does serve a purpose. And it's really about integrating that that way it's not closing us off from connection and closing us off from ourselves. And so I did want to speak about this like this, this is the shame that that kind of makes us the problem. And when we're making ourselves a problem, then this is when we start to isolate because we're wrong. So if we are wrong innately, then we don't want anyone to access that. We don't want anyone to see that. And this is also where a lot of that performantiveness comes up. know, like, God forbid I'm in the thick of my shadow and someone asks you, asks me, how are you? I'm like, boy.

Boy, there's, ⁓ okay, wow. I can't even perform through that sometimes. Like I'm just like, ⁓ I don't know. I have this response. And it's so interesting to be able to just hold space, hold space for this part of ourselves ⁓ and really just create that safety and reassure ourselves that we are not the problem here. The shadow is not something to be fixed.

Meaghan (22:51): No.

Milena (23:13): Because it's not something that is innately bad. It's just something that needs love. These are the parts of ourselves that need love the most. And so it's like when we're going about it from this place of shame, we're making ourselves wrong and we're judging ourselves. And then that just kind of keeps us even more stuck in this, ⁓ I'm wrong, rather than just being able to hold loving space and be like, okay, this had a purpose.

Meaghan (23:21): Mm-hmm.

Milena (23:41): And it's here and it's a part of ourselves and it's also human. It's human. Everyone has a shadow. Everyone has a shadow and everyone has parts of themselves that they deem are unlovable. So it's helpful. It's helpful to normalize this conversation a little bit and to realize that there's nothing wrong with you. It's part of being human.

Meaghan (24:05): I definitely want to down the shame. ⁓ I don't really want to add that I want us to kind of picture shame. Actually, I'm gonna invite everybody to take a deep breath first.

Milena (24:09): Mm-hmm, me too, girly.

Meaghan (24:29): Want us to picture shame as this gateway to our shadow. That shame is typically right. The shame is covering and blocking the shadow. And the shame comes in, especially something gets I want to talk about how do these things get put into the shadow? How do we exile and shame them and shun them and send them to this shadow land? And a lot of the times when we bring parts of ourselves where we bring a full a fullness of us, that is not accepted, that is not loved or feels like it's of belonging. We then cast that out to the shadow because then we are taught in that moment when we bring that part of us, my goodness, it is not safe for me to be me in this way. I need to put this away. And I do wanna add to this piece as we're talking about shame, one of our core needs as human is our sense of belonging, to feel like we belong.

And that's why shame is so freaking heavy. Why shame is so alienating and isolating and icky, icky, icky, icky. It's painful. Shame can feel physically painful because when we feel like we don't belong, when we feel like we cannot connect with others, especially when us, actual, who we really are is wrong and inherently bad, that is the most painful thing in the world because then we have to mask, then we have to pretend and shape shift into something we're not.

To get the love we think that we are wanting or the love that we want, we are shape shifting into that. And how we learn to put all these things in the shadow and like, yes, how I've learned to put up these walls is because I don't, there's a lot of these parts of me that I don't deem are gonna be lovable or met with and seen with love. And we do get this from growing up as children with our primary caregivers. And I wanna be very clear, I'm not pointing our fingers at our parents.

Because a lot of this is very generational. How we are loved is or how we are loved by our parents is how they were loved and how their parents were loved is like, it is just this perpetuation of how with the skills and sets and a lot of times there's so much misinformation about how to raise children. Like in the past, we used to tell parents like, don't go to your child if they're crying. And there's all these things that we were not, we're not blaming anybody. We're just wanting to bring awareness of how this happens.

So as a child, if you have a particular need or you bring a particular part of yourself that is then shamed or told, don't do that, that's too much. We are implicitly and explicitly getting cues from our environment and the people that are taking care of us constantly on how to behave to receive love. And in this way, as we are learning, okay, so this is acceptable behavior, this is unacceptable behavior. Okay, when this part of me comes out, I'm ignored or people don't respond to me.

I won't bring that part out anymore. Or when this part comes out, I'm really, really like they think I'm really funny. So I should maybe start being more funny so that people are going to give me more attention and give me more love. And it's all just because we want to belong. It's all because we want to be connected. This is all about connection. And then the big piece with this, why sharing shame and talking about shame and having these conversations is so important is because connection is what cures shame, bringing it to the light, talking about it.

And shame is a relational wound. This is all about wounding. And because these woundings come up in relationship with people, the only way to cure it, to heal it, is to bring it back into relationship and to be loved in it. And that's why we're talking about this. This is a big part of the work that Milena and I do in Women's Circles that we're gonna be bringing to our collective, that we're bringing to this podcast.

Is we want to heal these parts of us that have been suppressed and cast out and give them love, give them curiosity and show them that they are so, so, so welcome here. And there's so much magic in these parts of us. When we connect to these parts of ourselves, we are able to bring forth more of us, more of our creation and we're able to be met.

Our fullness is actually able to be met and loved and held and it's not as messy and scary and not worthy and bad as we have we feel it is in our minds and our bodies. So that's the piece I wanted to add on shame.

Milena (28:58): Ooh wow, that was, goosebumps. I could not have said that better. And I feel like, you know, we're going into this, you know, what is the shadow work? What is the exploration of the shadow? Like, how do we actually work with this? And I wanna share how Megan and I worked through the shadow. When we started doing...

When we just started connecting, we didn't even, Venetian womb did not exist at this point. We did not even think about doing woman circles at this point. just, our friendship, like our sisterhood has healed so many parts of my shadow and so many parts of myself, generally shadow, not shadow. We had this day that we got together. We would get together every single Tuesday. We had a little womb cave that we would go to in the forest. ⁓

And we had this one particular day, I don't remember what archetype we were working through, but shame was coming up. There was so much shame that was coming up. Yes, yes, it was the mother wound. was the nurturance. Because the mother, our mother is who we derive our safety from, right? They are the ones that we're dependent on them when we grow up.

Meaghan (30:05): Other wounds. Mm-hmm.

Milena (30:20): And so we were journeying with the mother archetype. We're in our womb cave. And we both had a moment where we're like, ⁓ boy, we're drowning in shame. And that means that we have to go into it. And I remember we did this practice of like, we're sitting together. We're in this little womb cave. So we feel like we're, we feel this protection, you know, by being in this little hut and it's just me and her, we're in the forest. We're sitting on dirt, on the ground. We're grounded.

Meaghan (30:28): Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Milena (30:49): And we were both just like, okay, mind you, mind you, Megan and I had known each other for like, I don't even know, a third hangout. Like ⁓ it was one of the very early stages of our friendship. And we were both just like, okay, we're going to express our shame. We're gonna have a shame share right now.

Meaghan (30:57): This was our third time hanging out, just me and you. ⁓

Milena (31:13): And we both prompted ourselves. We're like, okay, what's the thing that you hold the most shame around that comes that right now comes to mind right now in this moment. And I remember like the sensations and mind you, I've again, we're not pointing fingers, but I have not had I've not had a safe space to what I truly felt a person that could that could hold me and what I feel is like the worst part of me. I'm like, this is like absolutely massive. It's way too much. I don't know how anyone could possibly even sit in this part of myself with me or like love me through it, let alone sit with me. And we both sat and expressed whatever came through in that moment that held it held this like deepest anchor of shame within our body. And I remember shaking like my voice was shaking as I was speaking to my shame.

My body was like so anxious, it's debilitating. And that's exactly it was so helpful. We were just like putting our hands on each other's legs, holding each other. And there was just such a beautiful reassurance and just such a beautiful presence. And we shared our shame. We shared our shame. And that was very hard. There were many tears shed.

There were many, you know, like just the rejection and the resistance and we got through it. And it was so beautiful in that moment, like in real time, I could feel the weight of the shame dissipating and also realizing that my perspective of this part of myself was so distorted, was so distorted because I felt that this part was completely unlovable. And Megan, the way that, ⁓speaking about like my personal experience, the way that you held space for me and helped me through that shame. And you were like, this is okay. This is, this is loved. And this is beautiful to witness you in this level of vulnerability and just to see this part of you is beautiful. And that healed in that moment.

Healed so much pain, so much hurt, so much shame, so much rejection. And that's like years worth of shame. Years. We carry the shame in our body. We carry the shame in our psyche. The way that we speak to ourselves, the way that we treat ourselves, the way that we relate. Like you said, that chameleoning. It's because we're making ourselves wrong. That we could never be ourselves because then we wouldn't be loved.

Meaghan (33:42): Mm-hmm.

Milena (34:01): And in that moment, that was one of the most impactful practices that like I still have this vivid memory. Like I can drop into that moment again like this because of how impactful, how energetically impactful. Like that is a moment that is forever ingrained because that was one of the first times that I felt like truly embraced for like who I am.

Meaghan (34:08): Mm-hmm. Visceral. And I think a big cue that I have in my body from that moment that brings me back this early is how much I was in the shame sharing it and I couldn't even look at you and I couldn't believe I was even saying it. And then, because I love eye contact, I love looking at people's, I know that when I'm not looking someone in the eyes is because I'm sharing shame. And when I met you and you were still there,

Milena (34:41): Mm.

Meaghan (34:53): And you still, didn't look disgusted. You didn't look angry. You didn't look like, ⁓ my God, that's horrible. You stayed, you were there. And I was like, wow, this shit's powerful. It is so powerful to be met in the space where you felt you had to hide and bury and make sure, and it was your life mission to make sure nobody ever saw.

Milena (35:10): Powerful. Mm-hmm.

Meaghan (35:24): And to be met and loved there.

Milena (35:26): And objectively, objectively, that was just two girlies hanging out. That's it. That's all we were doing. And it's so interesting, because I feel like sometimes, you know, when we're talking about shadow work, we make it, we make it, we're being so in our head about it. You know, we make it seem like it's this whole process and it's all this work and there's so much that we have to do and it's just like, whoa.

Meaghan (35:31): Video.

Milena (35:52): Honestly, a huge part of this is just be just be witnessed be with and just allow Get out of like let let the walls Open a window in the wall just a window, right? It doesn't we don't have to let the whole wall down We don't have to share all of the darkest parts of ourselves. And again, I do want to say also that When we are in this in this shame sharing, right?

Meaghan (35:55): Mm-hmm.

Milena (36:21): Yes, we are talking about the lived experience that has caused the shame. it's kind of like that's where the shame has originated from is from the lived experience. However, we don't want to get stuck in the story. We don't want to get stuck in the story. We want to focus on how that lived experience has made us feel.

And how that lived experience energetically is still living inside of us. And so yes, the story is something that will inevitably be part of exploring the shame, but the more that we fixate on the story, the less that we're fixating and focusing on ourselves.

Meaghan (37:05): Mm-hmm. I remember I brought so much humiliation into that cave and just sitting in the humiliation with you or being witnessed in sitting in the humiliation of like allowing myself to feel... the ugly cries. The goobers, the snot running down.

Milena (37:18): And I'm talking the ugly cries, the ugly cries. Like the... The goobers all everywhere, everywhere. But when you allow yourself to just be messy, there is no performance. It's really truly like I am just allowing my humanity, my raw humanity to just be present and for that to be allowed.

Meaghan (37:33): Mm-hmm.

Milena (37:47): And it was honestly, it was a safe space too. We're two girls, we're alone, we're in the forest, we're contained by this beautiful wooden hut, you know, so we're not like exposed out in the open. And it's just those, when we're able to create a container, a space for ourselves, where we're able to create more of that safety. Had we been...

I don't know, like in the street of like downtown Toronto or even just like in a public park where like there's a lot of foot traffic. There's no way that we would have been able to actually go into that territory and actually been able to like bear our souls because we're thinking about how we're being perceived, right? There isn't, we're not in an environment that is conducive of that safety and that softening.

Meaghan (38:15): No.

Milena (38:38): And so this is something that's also incredibly important when we're starting to explore shadows, right? Is what's the environment that you're in to actually, and is it conducive for you to be able to feel?

That you have a space, a private space where you can witness these parts. And some things that might be helpful, having some fluffy guys, having some fluffy stuffies, super helpful. Like when I'm talking about creating this more of a safety for yourself or for another friend, know, if you're doing this together is talk to your inner child. Talk to your inner child and connect that part of yourself of what does your inner child need to feel safer.

For me, that looks like having these stuffies, having these little guys around me, having a blanket, making sure I have water, maybe some cold water, maybe some tea, some pillows. Usually I'll kind of like nest, I'll create a little nest for myself on the ground. Maybe the light is way too overstimulating. I wanna be in some lower ambient lighting or have some candles. Maybe I wanna get some ⁓ essential oil. Lavender is such a soothing scent for me.

Okay, maybe I play some music and there's some binaural beats and that's soothing, right? Like all of these things allow our body to soften so we can even really go into this territory and feel

Meaghan (40:01): Mm-hmm.

Milena (40:06): It's not going to feel safe because we're already exploring this part of ourselves that we've deemed wrong, we've repressed, we've made too much. But if we're able to create that safety, more of that safety in our external environment, it's so supportive to reflect that into our internal state.

Meaghan (40:23): And then it like just allows it allows the shadow to act as a mirror for integration. It allows us to be radically honest with ourselves. And like you said, it allows us to open to the experience and to be with all the feelings that we're typically trying to run or that bring puts us into fight or flight and actually be like, wait a minute. I don't need to have all these protections right now because they served in the past, but they don't, they're not serving right now. They're actually getting in the way of what I'm wanting right now.

Milena (40:52): And it's a right now in this moment. It's not, I don't need these protections now in my life moving forward. It's, I don't need these protections just right now in this moment.

Meaghan (40:53): Yeah. Yeah. Ahem, moment. Mm-hmm. That is so, yes, that's a really good piece to add. And yeah, I'm trying to think of what else we want to speak about.

Milena (41:11): I do want to say that a huge part of this, there's got to be that radical honesty. Because there are so many different strategies that our brain, our ego, ultimately it's our ego. Our ego is like, I've created this identity for myself, this is who I am, I am perfect, this is what I'm showing to the world. And so when we're integrating our shadow, our ego feels threatened. Because it's like, this is also part of me.

Meaghan (41:23): Mm-hmm.

Milena (41:41): And this also. And when the ego feels threatened, this is where, again, there's these strategies of like, ⁓ let me just, let me dissociate. Let me not go as deep.

Meaghan (41:52): Yeah. The mask of perfectionism.

Milena (41:55): The mask of perfectionism. Yup, the eagle loves that. I'm fine. I'm fine. Let's just, yeah, Begin loves that. Let's just not talk about me. We're talking about me way too much. It's just like, no, we're not though. That's okay. We're allowed.

Meaghan (41:59): The armour of I'm fine, all's good. Let's just keep working. Let's just keep working. Let's just let's just work. Hmm.

Milena (42:17): And that's the thing is that, you know, we will even lie to ourselves. Like there are so many ways that we will continue to avoid this part of ourselves. ⁓ And there is a radical honesty. There's a radical honesty that is required in this process of like, I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't lie to myself anymore. And I can't be something that I'm not. And in that radical honesty, there's a reclamation because you're not bypassing those parts anymore.

Meaghan (42:43): Mm-hmm. You're allowing yourself to come into fullness, your complete, into, there's an integrity that comes in. When we're operating from our shadow, it's really hard for us to be in integrity with ourselves because it's a performance, a lot of it is performing and isn't really true to who we are at our core. And I want to link this back to gestating the dream and the womb and all of that because that's what we're here for. that is, I mean, this shame, I would almost say is the biggest element that can get in the way between you and your dream. 

When you don't think you are good enough, when you don't think you are worthy, when all of these things get in the way of you being the version of yourself that is required to co-create the dream, to live the dream, that is where the shame really, really comes in. And that's that, in the way that little guy that's standing on the bridge of like, you shall not pass. That's how our dream is like right on the other side. And we have to be radically honest with ourselves. And we have to look in the mirror and face what's coming up and not keep running from it. 

And the best way to be doing that is with others, because doing it alone. I want to argue doing it alone is like impossible because you will stay in your little fort for the rest of eternity. ⁓ But really being in connection with others is going to be so healing for this process so that you don't stay stuck there. And so that these parts of yourself can be integrated so that you can feel whole and you can feel loved for who you really, really are, who you authentically are. It's just coming into more authenticity, coming more into yourself. And that sounds pretty great.

Milena (44:38): You know, when you've already gone through the murkiness of it, being on the other side, I've journeyed through some really, really unlovable parts of myself in this process of hosting these women's circles, going through the process of journeying through these different energetic themes, because there's always some type of shadow that will come up. And... Honestly, it's been through this process that there's been a reclamation of self and what people can relate to the most is your humanity. We are all human. And yes, we come from different paths of life, different lived experiences. You know, we're born into different parts of the world where we're exposed to different types of privilege and challenges and adversity. But what we all have in common is that we're all human. And this is just part of being human.

And it's a part of our humanity, of our human experience that we don't talk about enough because it's heavy. And again, like this, ultimately it's in the reclamation of our wholeness of our full selves that we're able to be more magnetic. We're able to be more relatable. Like people, people are able to, to actually connect with you more because you're not performing.

Meaghan (45:53): Mm-hmm.

Milena (46:02): You know, like, I know I go online and I see all of these different highlights of people's lives and I'm like, wow, that's so cool. But it's hard for me to relate. It's hard for me to relate to it a lot of the times, because I'm like, but this isn't just it. It's not just this love and light.

Meaghan (46:21): Mm-mm. Mm. Mm-hmm.

Milena (46:22): And when we're able, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, right? Because we will use that to bypass. Let's be in the loving light because this feels good. And this is such a beautiful attitude to connect on. But it's like, oof, but there are gifts. There's gifts when we're able to actually break a little bit. Because when we allow ourselves to break, when we allow ourselves to fall apart,

We're able to like, there's, there's, it's kind of like this analogy of like when your heart breaks, it breaks open. You're able to hold more love for yourself. And because of that, you're able to hold so much more love for others. The more love that we can hold within ourselves, the more of our shadow that we can, that we can be present to, the more that we are able to do that for everyone else. Because we were able to come into our humanity and realize that we're all human.

And we're all just doing our best. And yes, we're all flawed. We are all flawed. We all have lived experience that still has these energetic imprints within us. And that's that energy, like that authenticity is magnetic. That authenticity allows you to feel more of your own wholeness. And through that, through that embodiment, we're able to fuel the dream.

That integrated part of self, gives us power. It gives us resilience of like, yes, I have these parts of me, but they're allowed. And it makes us resilient to life. It makes us resilient to rupture and connections. It makes us resilient to adversity because there will always be a life experience that is going to trigger you or is going to show you a part of yourself that you don't like. And it's okay to fall apart. It's okay to break a little bit.

Meaghan (48:08): Mm-hmm.

Milena (48:13): Because on the other side of that, there's a breakthrough.

Meaghan (48:19): And in that, this like, just a gestating the dream, there's like this clearing of the soil, like the shadow, the shadow is like pulling the weeds. It's creating space so that we can root down so that we can have a solid foundation that's just not going to tipple topple over. Because if you're building something on shame, there is nothing sturdy there. It's all going to fall down. And you want to really be able to clear it all.

Milena (48:37): Yes.

Meaghan (48:48): Maybe not all because there's always I don't want to make it sound like this is a you do this once and it never happens again. This is this is a spiral. This is a spiral. It's a process. You're going to come back to it over and over again. But if you're met with shame and you don't acknowledge it and you keep going, this is something that will it's going to keep coming up and it's going to get in the way. It's going to prevent you from being able to move further in whatever process you're in. And

Milena (48:53): It's an active process.

Meaghan (49:15): This can be in dreams, projects, relationships, all of it. I am hitting a huge, huge part of myself in my relationship right now that I'm like, whoa, wait a minute, am I the problem? Not that I'm the problem, but we were having a couple arguments. Am I causing the chaos? I used to be the one that was stuck in the chaos and now I'm the one causing the chaos.

Milena (49:33): Am I causing the chaos? But also, it'll fluctuate, you know, because again, we're all human. We all cause a little bit of chaos sometimes.

Meaghan (49:44): It does, I does. It's, but noticing how in those arguments I'm like, I'm the one that's in the right. I'm not causing any chaos right now, but being able to take a step back and be like, wait, what part did I play? What part was my shadow playing in this that brought us to the level of chaos we were in?

Milena (49:59): Actually... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I, you know, I do wanna, I feel like we've shared a lot ⁓ of helpful ways of how to work with the shadow. And I feel like in the most simplest of ways, breath, sound, movement. Breath, sound, movement. This is the Trinity. This is the Trinity of how we can alchemize so many of these parts of ourself is again, breath, breath work.

Meaghan (50:23): Mm-hmm.

Milena (50:35): Slowing down, when we are navigating the shadow, there's an activation. It's inevitable, it's part of the process, and this is why it feels uncomfortable. And this is usually right when the activation happens, we check out. So slowing down your breath, slowing down your exhales, maybe even doing the two breaths in, one breath out.

Super helpful box breathing breathing in for four counts holding before breathing out for four counts holding before You can do four you can do seven you can do eight whatever feels supportive for you Listen to your body breathwork is an incredible Avenue to be able to ground ourselves through the discomfort. It's not gonna make the discomfort go away Okay, it'll still it'll still probably feel that's we have all the stuffies and all the comfort things You know cuz like it's it's not gonna make the discomfort go away

Meaghan (51:19): Yeah, it's not going away.

Milena (51:28): But you'll be much more supported and grounded through it. And it will pass. I promise you it'll pass. Yes.

Meaghan (51:32): And it'll, yeah, it'll give more choice, more choice to respond as opposed to react to the feelings that are being activated within the discomfort or whatever, whatever emotion that's present that's so uncomfortable. Damn, I had something I wanted to say, but I lost it. You keep going. I will let you know.

Milena (51:50): If it trickles back in, you let me know. Sound, sounding, tantrum. Grab a pillow. Grab a pillow, scream into it. Hum to yourself, humming. It literally, it soothes our vagus nerve just by humming. And I found this very helpful practice. You put your, you plug your ears, I can't really do it right now, but you plug your ears, you put your hands over your face and you just...

When you're plugging your ears, actually allowing, you're able to hear the vibration and you're vibrating your entire chest cavity, your entire head cavity, your chest cavity. And this is such an incredible practice to be able to ⁓ support, support the nervous system through that activation. Sound is also expression, expressing, having people that you can speak to and giving it words, letting it come out. Even if...

Meaghan (52:46): I want to add for with the tantrum to move to like, yes, the sound but throw pillows, hit pillows. If you need to throw your body and freaking out bang on your chest and throw your arms and swing and throw an actual tantrum with your body. Do it. It's really supportive. But also again, the space we would do this as kids. And but as Milana said, like before that the space being able to let go.

Milena (52:48): Mm-hmm. Mmm. Pandrum. We would do this as kids.

Meaghan (53:14): And do that in a space where you feel safe to do it is a requirement to throwing a tantrum, unfortunately.

Milena (53:20): Mm hmm. Breath sound movement. Again, engage the body.

Engage the body, throw your tantrum, make sure you're in a space where you're comfortable to do that. Even if that means just like a somatic shake, like just just shake viscerally. When animals are being chased by their predator, what do they do after they shake because there's all this trauma and activation stuck in the body that they that's how they discharge. And we are literally animals. We are complex. We think we're think we're so involved in all these things, but ultimately there are there are primitive parts of

Meaghan (53:40): Discharge.

Milena (53:54): Human beings and there's so much that we can learn from the animal kingdom and so again somatic shaking even just if any any type of movement that is supportive for you running weightlifting yoga swimming just move your body because that is going to move the energy it's going to discharge energy and it's also just going to let the energy flow we don't want to stay stagnant

Meaghan (54:13): Mm-hmm.

Milena (54:16): And I'm not saying immediately after an activation, because sometimes we've exhausted ourselves, we're emotionally exhausted, and we don't feel we have energy. So again, tailor the movement to what your energy level is in that present moment, but absolutely engage your body because the body holds a score. The body will hold trauma and just energetic imprints from difficulty, difficult experiences, and we need to engage the body in this as well.

Meaghan (54:28): Mm-hmm. And as you like I want to bring it back to like when we were sitting in the womb cave when we were in the cave, she sharing shame and shaking, we it's releasing trauma, and we have to let our bodies release the trauma, we can't keep holding it. So allowing the body and whatever your body wants to do, let it do it. It intuitively knows what it needs to do. And it might make no sense to your logical mind. But let trust the wisdom that your body has, because it's doing something to discharge. And you might feel like you need to just roll, or you might want to move your hips.

Milena (55:02): Do it anyways.

Meaghan (55:11): Or you might wanna just rest and let your body just be, do it. Trust the wisdom that your body is feeding you because it is so wise and it knows so much. ⁓ Yeah, yeah. I wanna say one last thing. Shadow work is a homecoming to yourself. It's a remembrance. It's, wow, I had no idea I was doing that.

Milena (55:25): That's it.

Meaghan (55:40): And instead of going like, my God, I'm bad, it's get curious. Get curious about your shadow because that's how it's gonna, it's gonna help you move through it. It's gonna help you see it and integrate it and bring it in and then be able to share it with somebody else as well. And I do wanna, one more thing, share it with someone you trust. Sharing shame with just anyone is a recipe for disaster because they might double shame you. And then you're.

Milena (55:58): Mm-hmm.

Meaghan (56:06): You're gonna be even more in the hole than you originally were in the hole and that's not gonna be any fun. So when sharing, we've been talking a lot about share shame with others but share it with someone you trust. That is so important. You don't wanna just be sharing your shame with anyone, not that you would anyways because we feel shameful for it and it's hard to share shame but go,

Milena (56:24): I gotta do another disclaimer is if you feel like the shame or what's being activated within you involves another person, don't share it with them. Don't try your best to find another safe space that you can share, a safer space to share it with because inevitably if that trigger is involving another person, it's gonna trigger them as well.

Meaghan (56:46): Just gonna trigger them.

Milena (56:49): And it can create shame for them as well. if Megan is sharing her shame, but I'm not connected to that story. I'm able to hold space because it's not personal to me. ⁓ So that's also another thing because again, shame is a very, it's a trickster. And even if we feel that we have someone that we can share it with, if they're activated, they may also be stuck in that shame spiral and it's harder for them to hold space.

Meaghan (57:18): Mm hmm. And yeah, until there's like an integration of the shame you're sharing that you know, you can maybe come into a repair with someone and speak very vulnerably about it. Then yeah, sharing with somebody that is not involved is most likely more ideal, much more helpful for to help with the integration process of it and to just feel held in it. So on that note, thank you.

Milena (57:34): Much helpful.

Meaghan (57:43): For listening to our episode on shame. We made it through. I can't believe it. We made it through. There's definitely so much more we could say and we will be saying more in the collective as we're gonna talk, go deeper into shame. We're gonna have some journal prompts, some activities, activities, practices is what I wanted to say. I guess they could be called activities too. And we're just gonna be gathering together as women.

Milena (57:48): Thank God it flowed.

Meaghan (58:12): Talking about this going deeper into it. We're gonna have our circles to go deeper into this. So if you feel like you want to go further, you want more support with this, join our collective. I'm like lost at what to say. ⁓ our next episode. Our next episode is on the inner child. We're going to be talking about the inner child.

Milena (58:30): Ooh. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so... The inner child is the gateway. The inner child is the gateway to be able to access these edgy parts of ourselves. So we're going to be bringing some playful, some more playful, explorative, curious, seeing the world with awe and wonder. This is the energy that we're connecting to because this is ultimately that innocence. That's the energy that we that that is so supportive to be able to explore these parts of ourselves, right? Where we're able to see it with new eyes. There's this innocence that there is no judgment.

Meaghan (58:38): Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Milena (59:05): Because of that: if that's, if you're feeling, if you're feeling raw, if you're feeling moved or tender after this episode, know that that's okay. And at the same time, right, like we do have this collective space. Megan and I are also, we're here. We're here to hold space. We're here to create this, this space for you to be able to explore yourself in a way that feels supportive. And we're here to support you.

Meaghan (59:35): That's all. Come join us next Friday.

Milena (59:40): Bye!